You walk with me?

i've said my goodbyes to friends and i may seem heartless because i didn't shed a tear.

yes, i will miss my friends more than i can comprehend right now.

but i'm just not that kind of person.

i take time.

time for things to sink in a little.

the plane rides may consist of tears, the future is uncertain.

however.

in church i found myself with tears streaming down my face during worship.

i didn't understand it at first.

fear? i don't think so.

rather i had this overwhelming sense of who God was.

and this realization brought about so much joy.

my God, the Lord of all lords, King of all kings, Captain of all captains.

Mighty Warrior, Creator of all, Sustainer, Savior to all the earth.

this God.

my Father and Refuge.

He has allowed me to be used for His glory.

so i couldn't help but cry.

an overwhelming experience of joy and unbelief all at the same time.

now the enemy tried to have me think it over after church.

was i afraid?

was i worried?

were those actually tears of joy?

so i thought.

am i walking i fear or faith?

if i were walking in fear:

the fact that there is more unknown than known about the trip would scare me

no visas? no way!

language barrier? make it a wall and stop me in front of it!

undetermined amount of time? undetermined mindset.

if i were walking in faith:

the less details i know the more room God has to show off.

language difficulties equals seeing God's creativity.

rather than seeing the negative i see the Lord and His nature.

i don't doubt myself because i can't do it anyway, so instead i ask the Lord to be Him through me.

i choose to walk by faith.

it is all for His glory so i shouldn't be trying to do it.

there is nothing in this world that the Lord can't handle.

plus the way i see it:

if we never step out of our comfort zone, if we never try something new, if we never step into the unknown, then we leave no room for God to be seen.

God doesn't work through our agenda, only His timing.

step out to step in.

 out of ourselves and into what He's doing.

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we are about to start our journey.

please join our team by prayer.

thank you to all my incredible friends and family who have encouraged and supported this opportunity.

love to you,

now lavish it on someone.

please intercede

right now we are in limbo.

me and max are planning on leaving for the Ukraine on Monday.

our visa process is at a standstill.

it's a matter of communication.

so i have no other communication to rely on except between the Holy Spirit and God on my behalf.

i honestly don't know the words to say.

Romans 8:25-27

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.

because of this i will rest.

rest in the Lord.

rest in His authority over every single thing.

His power to do as He pleases.

the fact that He holds this entire world in His hands

and while i might not be able to see past this week

He sees today while rejoicing in tomorrow.

Lord please have your way.

The Lord's Authority

We get to walk with the same authority as the Lord because of Jesus.

Jeremiah 10 has alot to say about His authority.

Read it and rest in Him.

"Hear what the LORD says to you, O house of Israel.  This is what the LORD says:

“Do not learn the ways of the nations
or be terrified by signs in the sky,
though the nations are terrified by them.
For the customs of the peoples are worthless;
they cut a tree out of the forest,
and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.
They adorn it with silver and gold;
they fasten it with hammer and nails
so it will not totter.
Like a scarecrow in a melon patch,
their idols cannot speak;
they must be carried
because they cannot walk.
Do not fear them;
they can do no harm
nor can they do any good.”

 No one is like you, O LORD;
you are great,
and your name is mighty in power.
Who should not revere you,
O King of the nations?
This is your due.
Among all the wise men of the nations
and in all their kingdoms,
there is no one like you.
They are all senseless and foolish;
they are taught by worthless wooden idols.
Hammered silver is brought from Tarshish
and gold from Uphaz.
What the craftsman and goldsmith have made
is then dressed in blue and purple—
all made by skilled workers. 

 But the LORD is the true God;
he is the living God, the eternal King.
When he is angry, the earth trembles;
the nations cannot endure his wrath.

  “Tell them this: ‘These gods, who did not make the heavens and the earth, will perish from the earth and from under the heavens.’”

  But God made the earth by his power;
he founded the world by his wisdom
and stretched out the heavens by his understanding.
When he thunders, the waters in the heavens roar;
he makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth.
He sends lightning with the rain
and brings out the wind from his storehouses.

  Everyone is senseless and without knowledge;
every goldsmith is shamed by his idols.
His images are a fraud;
they have no breath in them.
They are worthless, the objects of mockery;
when their judgment comes, they will perish.
He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these,
for he is the Maker of all things,
including Israel, the tribe of his inheritance—
the LORD Almighty is his name. "

Chosen Desire

let me start off by being honest: my commitment to reading the Word, using tools such as my devotional and music, and to prayer has been anything bu strong lately.

i said that because i stumbled across a great snippet in my devo from a past date that i just didn't get to on that day along with several others.

it's a truth that i'm pretty certain i have known, but never discussed truly.

or said myself in such simple terms. so here it is.

"It may be hard for us to understand, but this salvation for which we

thank God isn't entirely about ourselves. True, we were bought with a price

and shown the magnitude of God's mercy. We were redeemed because we

needed redemption and saved because we needed saving. We were

cleansed of sin because we were dirty and pardoned

because we were treasonous.

But the rhyme and reason of creation isn't humanity.

It's God.

Humans, like all things were created by Him and for Him

(Romans 11:36; Colossians 1:16)....

Our salvation is not a random, happy accident. It is a divine appointment

with a holy Suitor. We have a calling we have not even begun to grasp."

-Chris Tiegreen, Worship the King Devotional

"I knew nothing; I was nothing. For this reason, God picked me out."

-Catherine Laboure

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God did create this earth from nothing but Him, His nature, His power, His creativity.

i'm pretty sure He can handle the blank canvas of humanity.

i want to drown

on my run this evening one of my favorite songs came on

Meet Me By the River

"Oh, I know.

Oh, I'm undone.

I'm drowning in His love."

i have told people about this truth

i've told myslef about it

His love is so great that we are drowning it

but are we really?

are we allowing ourselves to drown in His love?

know of it? yes.

talk about it? yes.

tell others of it? yes.

but, drown? i doubt it.

take advantage of it? yes.

stop realizing the extent of it? yes.

but, submerge ourselves to the point of drowning? i haven't seen the evidence.

i'm calling myself out more than anyone so don't get offended.

or maybe, do get offended.

get mad!

get angry!

at yourself.

at myself.

for not letting our Father lavish us in His love so deep that we can no longer breathe on our own.

if i were to draw a picture of me right now:

fighting to stay afloat the water.

His love is surrounding me and i won't let it take me.

i feel it.

i know it.

but my humanness has to fight the possibility of drowning.

you see, His kingdom is all backwards.

if we were in water the rule would be to fight,

fight for your life.

don't let the water take you over, resist!

Jesus,

oh sweet Jesus.

in order to gain life in His kingdom we must let go,

stop fighting,

give in,

and drown.

imagine living life in a way

in a way that only gives you the view of love.

every direction you turn is love.

like being 300 feet down in the middle of the ocean.

it doesn't matter what way is up because you don't want to leave this place.

instead of breathing in air you take in the love surrounding you.

let Jesus breathe for you.

we have to stop the struggle of one foot in His kingdom and the other in the world.

we can't fight the drown.

it's not worth it.

sink.

sink down to the bottom



my whiteboard

it's good for to sit and write sometimes.

make myself think.

but tonight i didn't have to think.

i sat on my bed

looked to my right.

there sits my whiteboard that i had hanging in my dorm room...last fall

i'm not one to decorate so it's sitting sideways against my wall

i haven't even erased it.

well what's on it a a prayer i wrote out from a devotional i did for a class.

it just so happens to be incredibly fitting for this season of life.

"Dear heavenly Father, You are the Potter and I am the clay.

Please forgive me for doubting Your wisdom in making me

or for resenting Your sculpting of my life. I thank You that I am

fearfully and wonderfully made and that all things indeed

are working for good in my life. Your ways and thoughts are much

higher than mine, so I choose to rest in You and Your ways. You

indeed are at work in me both to will and work for Your

good pleasure. Do what You will in me, Lord, for Your glory."

thank you Jesus for not letting me erase that.



open to darkness

as i sat down with thoughts in my head and hands ready to type the Lord gave me new thoughts. as many of you know i am an analogy person. i love them. i love using them. i love how God teaches me about His vast beauty through simple illustrations. i mean it makes sense. God must humble His greatness in a way that our human minds can try to grasp it all. simple humans need simple analogies. thank the Lord that He is incredible.

i am a night person. sure i wake up in the mornings, but the times that i always find myself in deep thought or writing in my journal or writing on this thing as if people read it, it is 95% of the time night. as i sat down tonight a new way was given to me to think about it all. bare with me and see if you can follow my thoughts...

night brings about a peaceful time for me.
it is simple.
the night sky takes away all the distractions.
i am able to focus much better.

now this crazy thought came about for me that goes along so well with what the Lord has been teaching me and pushing me into.

for me, in this American, comfortable, lazy life i so easily can and will do anything but what is productive for the Lord. in the daytime i am aware of all that is around me. i see the silly distractions of the t.v., pool, computer, bed, etc. sure it's still there at night, in the darkness, but for some reason it isn't as appealing.

i want my life to be like this. but instead of the darkness being something that brings comfort the way the night sky does what if it were the opposite? what if i were aware of the darkness of the Enemy around me as i am the night sky? what if that brought me comfort. crazy? not when you think of it this way. because i am surrounded by darkness i am forced into the arms of the Father, ever living in my Refuge and Solid Rock. so through the darkness i am brought comfort because rather than letting the worldly distractions hide the actual darkness and allow me to be leisurely walking through life with a "christian" stamp on my forehead, i run to the Jesus and allow Him to mark my next step, every step of the way.

how can i be used as light to the world if i am not walking through the darkness? turn on a flashlight during the middle of the day in a bright room and how much difference does it make? none.

give a christian a comfortable home, no accountability, gadgets galore, a bubble of christian friends, etc. and what difference does it make in the world? i can't say none because God's presence is in them which brings more of Him to earth, but He isn't being shared. so the difference isn't much. it's almost like turning on your flashlight in the middle of the day in a bright room.

so do i dare pray for darkness? i'm not sure about that. but pray for the blinders to be lifted from my eyes? yes, Lord bring the awareness. pray that the Lord take away these "comforts?" yes, Lord take them.

i found myself earlier in my car crying out to the Lord that He would sweep me off the feet i have placed myself upon. i have been living life as if i know what tomorrow may bring. as if i know what's best for me. as if i was my own creator. so, Lord, knock me down, sweep me up, and rebuild me with eyes anew, Spirit refreshed, actions transformed. push me into the darkness so that You may be the Light for the lost. show me how to constantly be in love with you, passionately.

i want my focus on You to be a constant.