Stupidity brought Purpose

Every now and then I am prompted to write things in my journal and the way I write them it is as if I am writing for someone else to read. When I go back and read these types of entries I feel like I should share them. Maybe someone needs to read it, maybe several need to, or maybe the Lord just wants me to be willing to share things that aren't so warm and fuzzy all the time. Whatever the reason I feel as though these next few thoughts are to be shared. There aren't too many people that I have shared these things with as I am sharing them now. Take it or leave it, but it is my life.

Journal Entry from October 25, 2011: The Purpose of Life

"Everyone thinks that question is the hardest one. What am I meant for? Why am I here? What is my life supposed to mean? Everyone has their own answer. People think everyone is here for something different. People either take the question incredibly serious or blow it off. Those who take it seriously may worry and fear if they are left without an answer-What's going to happen to me? Those who pass it off with a shrug of the shoulders do so because they don't want the burden. They want to live the way they want to live.

I used to worry. You see, we as humans want to feel important. We don't want to come and pass as if we never existed. We want to be wanted. We want to be needed. If we don't have any of that then why even come into existence? This is a big world filled with many people. If I don't stand out then why be here?

Before I knew who Jesus was I was afraid to die. I had heard of Heaven and Hell. I had heard of different people giving different explanations of what would happen after death. I didn't know what to believe. And because of that I was so fearful of death. Where would I go? What would happen? What if there is a Heaven and I don't get in? I was a good person right? Sure I would make it to Heaven. The only thing I was certain of was that I was not certain about life after death. I didn't know if there was a God out there and if there was, what was he like?

Because a good friend practically bugged me into going to church when I was 14 I was told things that completely changed my life. I heard about God. Story after story of all these things He had done with humanity. He created us and continued to interact with us. He loves us. No matter who we are or what we've done, He loves us. Then I heard something new to me: Jesus. Jess came and lives a sinless life only to be beaten and hung on a cross. But why? Because between us and God was a sin that kept a Holy God from an unholy people. By Jesus living a perfect life without blemish He qualified as a sacrifice that could cover it all. What needed to be taken out on each person through God's Holy judgment was all laid on Jesus. His blood covered my sin and washed me clean. And that stands for all. The wall was broken and we were promised eternity with God. From the day we acknowledge Jesus as savior and submit to His authority until the days after physical death. Those days are all promised to be spent with the Creator of this universe. That includes a home in Heaven.

After hearing these things. After coming to know Jesus as  real and true, not a character from a book. After being confronted with the Truth. I knew Jesus as my savior and bridge to the Father. After that I was no longer afraid of death. I was secure. I had no more reason to worry, question, doubt, or fear.

Yet, just because I knew my end was secure didn't actually mean I knew why I was living. My ending was much bigger than I ever knew, but I couldn't help but fall into thinking that I, and my life, was so small. I still didn't know my purpose. I went through life with more satisfaction after giving my life to Jesus. However, I never let go of the idea that I was insignificant in this world. I didn't know my purpose. And that left my mind open for many different thoughts:

"There is no reason for me to be here."

"No one would care if I was gone."

"I'm not even sure people actually like me."

"If I died I doubt anyone would go to my funeral."

I allowed those thoughts to cycle through my head for a long time. I didn't think it was odd. At that time I thought everyone thought like me. I would get distracted from those thoughts time and time again. But they never left. I allowed them to stay in my mind. They made a home in my thoughts. When things would get frustrating or I felt insignificant to other people they would yell at me. 

One day I allowed those thoughts to be the only ones I heard. I believed that I had no purpose and that the world would be no different, maybe even better, without me in it. Over and over these thought went round and round to the point of leading me to the kitchen. I opened the silverware drawer, grabbed a knife, and placed it against my flesh. At that moment I heard something different: "Ashley What are you thinking? You are significant to me and I created you with a purpose. Don't do it. Let go and come to me." The Lord broke through and showed me something outside myself. 

I had been ignoring the thoughts and truths of the very One that created me. I had been listening to every other thing about what my life meant. But they did not create me. They didn't draw my design. How could they know what I was meant for? Just as no one but the creator of an invention can state its purpose, no person can tell me mine that is not God. 

"What is the purpose of life?" is no longer a tough question. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He came to build a bridge that offered reconciliation between us and our Father. And while Jesus founded the bridge, added to it is every person who chooses it. Those who acknowledge Jesus' gift get to play a part in it. When my life was made new in Jesus I was given a purpose. I am to glorify God in all I do in order to point others to Him and the bridge that connects them. When I gained new life in Jesus my life became part of something so much bigger. While my life may seem small compared to this world and just an instant in time, it plays a part in the very thing that created time itself. Jesus is above all. My life is in Him. His purpose is now my purpose. So my life doesn't just come and go. My life contributes to something eternal.

I am not here to wander through life. I was not an accident. My life is not meaningless. My life is being used by Jesus in a worldwide epidemic of souls being saved and reconciled with the Father. Talk about purpose. Talk about significance. I get to be a tool through which Jesus speaks, acts, and reveals truth. When I let go of my life that was limited to my ideas and abilities I was able to live into the life designed for me.

So don't be like me when I was young. Don't let outsiders define your life for you. People change their minds and sway with emotions. They get confused and deceived. You are going to let that determine who you are? Don't do it!

The purpose of life- to know God and to make Him known.

Live into that. Until you seek that first and do so with your whole heart, you will never know what the looks like in immediate details. Your purpose for the day will not be revealed or accomplished until you know the purpose of your life. So don't worry about today. When you know what all is supposed to be lived for you will know how to live today. Let every small thing point to and align with your ultimate purpose and you will see it all amount to the greatest of all things. Each small act of life that lines up with knowing God and making Him known is actually not small at all; they become eternal. Knowing the big picture brings significance to all.

Seek to know God- He is eternal so you will never grow bored, but placed in a stance of awe continuously. Seek Him and you will find Him.

Make Him known to all- this will overflow out of knowing Him. His heart is for every heart. When that is what you know that is what you will see to do. He is so incredible that you won't be able to stand knowing there are people who don't know Him.

Put In Me

I have been listening to one album in my car for the past 3 weeks.

this song is so deep and such a prayer.

i just felt the need to share it:

Oh, Mercy, fall on me
Like a warm blanket
On my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood
That turns me white...on the inside
I'm on my knees again...
'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

I know all my broken places
Like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me with your love
And hold me tight like a baby
'Till I have no memory
Of ever breaking Your heart

And in the joy when you restore me
I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
I how I broke you, or how I'm broken

-"Put In Me" by Enter the Worship Circle on First Cirlce album

numb to home

so i entered the states monday night, practically tuesday morning

this was a early return, but it was what needed to happen.

i won't get into details because what matters is that God gave me a peace about coming home even though every ounce of self wanted more than anything to stay longer.

since being back i have being experiencing something new to me

i have traveled and returned a few different times and there are some things that seem to regularly occur each time such as:

little desire to return home

lots of tears at some point between time of departure and the first 2 days of being back

weird feeling of being home

and usually summertime to adjust in ease

well this time around has been very different.

the overall experience was unlike any other overseas experience i have had thus far

not only was there a totally different relational ministry mindset

but i also gained an actual family that i lived with

the culture was much more relaxed and not dictated by the clock

so adjusting from that is super weird

i came back in the middle of a semester full of people who are full of schedules

i have no schedule and no place so it feels

welcome back to America

it hasn't even been a week and i feel obligated to be thinking and deciding about my immediate future

but what has been the weirdest thing has been this numbness that i feel

 a fog over my emotions

i can't seem to be fully excited, no tears,

no comprehension,

and no release of the whirlwind i feel caught in

sometimes it feels like i am on the outside watching myself it and talk with others

it takes me longer to respond and sometimes i wonder how much time actually passed before i spoke.

my senses have been overloaded

and i haven't been able to release it

i want it, i feel it, the release is on the edge but when i have to time i can't

when i was in the Ukraine i was obviously separated from the American culture so it wasn't too weird, i noticed it and every now and then i missed being a part of what was going on

but now i am home, i am back,  i am here in it

yet, i feel so far away from it

it's the weird numbness that i have

i don't understand it and i don't get it

i don't really like it

however, there is something that i do know.

while i am in such a place of uncertainty there is something i am certain of:

God is sovereign. when i have no idea what is going on He sits on His throne of authority with pure sovereignty and certainty over everything.

I know that He is good and powerful and incredible.

He deserves all glory all the time

no matter how numb i am to my surroundings right now i am not numb to God's awesomeness.

He truly is my solid rock to stand on when all around me is so unclear and uncertain.



the Lord is my home, the Acts 2 church is in action

Current situation:

because of changes in government, Max and I are having to travel to Budapest, Hungary.

there we will apply for new visas to go back to Ukraine and stay till January 3.

the reality is that this could not work, they could say no, and we have to find some way to get back to America.

Journal from October 30:

I am not ready to leave this place. It doesn't matter how different it is, how many ways of life have changed for me, how few friends from home I have here, Iam not ready to lave. Sure there are things of home I miss a little, but not enough to have to leave this plave to have them. I was talking with Max about it the ther day and I think I've figured it out just a little. Almost every place I have gone I have enjoyed and not wanted to leave. Each place has been unique so it isn't a matter of there being some theme of culture or people. But there is a theme: God moving. Each place I have traveled I have experienced and seen God move in awesome ways. Once I gave my life to Christ He became my home. So no matter what place in this world I call "home" Jesus is my home. He is in my heart so wherever I am I can call it home. When Jesus is moving, teaching, revealing truth, transforming lives it is a great place to be. So I could call each place home. The underlying theme and reason I love it here is because of the work of God. It is beautiful, holy, incredible, peaceful, exciting, it is everything I could want in a home. So I am no ready to leave this place. Yet, by the very truth that I came to to this knowledge, the reason I want to stay, is th very truth that pushes me to the need for understanding that I won't ever leave "this place." I may have to leave this location, physically, but I don't ever have to leave this plave of home in the Lord. The reality is that the Lord moves everywhere. I can't say He doesn't move in Oklahoma. My life in itself is a testament to His work. So why do I not feel the same way about home? Maybe because when I travel I get to see the Lord wor in a different people group in a different way. So perspective is what I need. In realit the Lord is eternal an everlasting. He is constant in His ways. So nothing is new for Him. The ways He moves here He moves everywhere, always. I can't limit Him and I can't box Him in. Even if the Lord movied in the same way in my life for the rest of my life it would have eternal consequences. So praise the Lord for the way He moves in Oklahoma and praise the Lord fot the way He moves in Ukraine. He is worthy of my praise and excitment everyday in every place. If I have to go home soon , so be it. The Lord is my home and we move together. No matter where I go I am home.

In Acts 2:

here in the Ukraine I have experienced the church like it was in Acts 2 several times.

when the believers gathered together they:

broke bread

fellowship

teaching

prayer

eveytime we go on home visits with Alexander we get to experience this.

so often back home I would hear of the Acts 2 church and ow it shoul be our model. but honestly, I didn't experience it too often in a pure form.

but now that I have tasted it I want more!

we gather in a home, the other day there were 11 adults anda child in a small bedroom

then we pray, spend time in fellowship which always involed testimonies and life stories, sing praises and other songs, have tea and cookies and other snacks, continue with more testimonies and conversation with eachother about our lives, have some teaching on the Word, and we end in prayer.

nothing is forced or unnatural.

when I was sitting in the home I was staring the Acts 2 church in the face.

my goal is to bring this back to America in more than just a small group setting. 

Universal Translation

when you travel to other countries you deal with differences.

there are differences in almost every aspect of life.

different countries equals different cultures.

so when you start talking to people of another culture you realize that some things just don't translate.

ways of life sometimes are so different that you just avoid talking about it because it will only create confusion. it ends in laughter or awkwardness.

so there are basically some things that can't be translated from one culture to another.

going from America to Ukraine seems to present many differences.

what about from Heaven to Earth?

there are more than a few differences between His world and ours.

yet the incredible thing is that even though His world may seem so different than ours it translates into any culture, anywhere, in any language.

when I visit a home in this culture I may have trouble sharing things about my culture.

there may be confusion about certain ways of life.

but I can talk about Jesus and there is no barrier.

there is nothing lost in translation.

while there may be things about my life that come from my culture that are not to be applied to everyone in this world, there is something about my life that is meant for everyone, everywhere.

Jesus is universal and there is something in the heart of everyone that knows it, whether they want to admit it or not.

I need a translator to go from one culture to another for language barriers and explanations of the different ways of life.

there are so many different cultures in this world that I'm not sure they cn be counted.

however, there are really only two cultures: the Father's kingdom and the world.

those of us who claim to be a part of His kingdom get to be translators to this world.  

we may need earthly translators for languages of the tongue, but we get to help translate things of the spirit to earthly bodies who have souls crying out for spiritual life. just like I can't understand the Russian language without the help of a native, the people of this world don't understand the things of God's kingdom without the help of a native.

I would know nothing of God, His ways, and the gift of Life that He so freely offers me if He did not use His children of the kingdom to translate it all to me. i knew nothing. it was like hearing a foreign tongue with no translator.

how is this world going to know the Word of God and His ways if we don't let Him use us as translators? what good would it do me if I simply had a Ukrainian walk along side me, travel with me to schools and homes, but not translate anything for me? what good would it do if someone has a follower of Christ walk beside them, travel with them from place to place, but not translate anything of the Spirit?

God is so present in this world. His miracles are continuously occurring. He is reaching out for the hands of all His wandering children.

but no one can understand Him. He is from a different culture. He is speaking a different language.

just like we need language translators to go from one culture to another, so the world needs translators to enter the kingdom of God.

though i may not know every aspect or detail about God i think i am fluent in His ways, His truth, and His gift of grace. He has trained me to be a translator. the more i engage the more i will learn and the more i will be used.

will you join?



on my face,soaked in tears

I just had one of the most intamite times with the Lord. It was unlike any experience  I have really ever had. I would love to explain and share, but I still can't comprehend it all. However, part of this time included a poem that He inspired me to write. I'm not sure if anyone will get it or appreciate it because it was literaly just penned. But I do believe the Lord never does something in a life just for that single person so for that reason I share it. After many tears and attempt after attempt to speak the name of Jesus correctly, my pen started writing. And the tears didn't stop till the end. Have with it what you will.

In Your presence

    there is no comprehension,

                  no way to contain.

The words You spoke,

    the beating You took,

             the blood You shed.

All done by the authority

     in Your name.

You promised the temple

     to be destroyed.

       to be rebuilt in just three days.

The mocks were made

      with laughing loud.

But on the cross you revealed to the proud

      that pride comes

                  before the fall.

They thought they could defeat You

    by putting You to death

But after three days

    You breathed new life

            with just one breath.

The temple was rebuilt

      not of stone, of wood, or clay.

The temple was made new

     it was rebuilt in You.

The stone rolled back

   and from the grave You walked.

The Savior was alive!

    the man that they

                once mocked.

Before You walked this earth,

    winning was the enemy.

But through Your blood,

      the Truth and Life,

he has no victory over me.

You sent the Helper to dwell,

       dwell in my heart,

                my soul,

                      my mind.

So with all I am

      and all I have
  please let us be intertwined.

Your death and resurrection
       are not just a story
They are the proclamation  of victory!
       Victory over the devil!
       Victory over the flesh!
       Victory each and every day!

Thank You for reconciliation.
 I submit my life to be
       in constant admiration.
Though I may fail
       and I may slip
Your love will never fail
     and I will never be
           let from Your grip.

In Your presence is where
      I want to be.
Fear and trembling, joy and singing
All of this I get to share
       with You
Because I am not chained
   or held, but in You
           I have been made free.

You took my place on the cross
     so have Your way in me
On this earth let me be
    the lips that speak Your words.
In this place let every
     heart and saddened face
               be renewed in who You are
So that each new life
     may be of You
             a living memoir.

Thank You forYour grace
     and thank You for Your love.
Please be my guiding light
    when darkness closes in
So that from the hands
      of the enemy I may
            ascend like a dove
Let me be Your living testimony
    to tell of all You've done.
To share with the world
     that each and every heart
          has already been won.

The Lord is Holy,
     Pure, and Strong
And all my days I
     I will work
to make that
       my life song.
  

Pot Luck

Well my mind has been going, going, and going the past week or so. It's like my mind had a pot luck dinner and invited all its friends. A little of this and a taste of  that. Some things have tasted so sweet while others bitter. But my favorite is desseret. The sweetness of the Lord always finds a way to shine through. So grab plate and stroll down the table with me. Here are some samples of thoughts and events I want to share.

Language Barrier:

I have been here in the Ukraine for almost 8 weeks.

With this time I have been able to pick up a little Russian, a little.

I have interacted with people who speak English.

Communication has happened, but oh how I long, I yearn for more.

Frustrating and Beautiful all at the same time.

Well the Lord has His word to put in my mind on this.

He invited me to sit in His seat for just a moment. Sit where He sits and imagine His perspective.

I got a glimpse of the barrier between Him and His children.

we interact.

there is some communication..

He reaches to our level and communicates with us.

we pick up some things and ways to communicate.

but He longs for more, He yearns for something greater.

It cut me to my heart and lead me to prayer.

Sure I might not know how to fully communicate with my Heavenly Father, but He wants me to try.

He wants my frustrations. He wants me to think it through. When I can't find words He wants what I have.

There is no language barrier between us and Him.

so why have we created one?

English Teaching:

Max and I finally had our first interaction "teaching" English at a school.

we walked down our gravel road, stepped on the trolly, got off, took the wrong trolly, walked back to the stop, waited for te right trolly, and found our way to the school across town.

as we walked up to the door I heard a knock on the upstairs window to be greeted by waving teenagers. Exciting.

the two of us sat in the front of the class room with about 18 students between 14-17 yrs old.

we introduced ourselves and began a classroom discussion on home, family, hobbies, food, music, childhood dreams, etc.

most unexpected moment-a quiet girl sheepishly raised her hand to be the first to share about her favorite music. hard rock & heavy metal. the classroom was filled with laughter in surprise.

after our hour was up they asked when we would come back again. all was well and good.

we even had two students walk us back to the bus stop. I see good things.

Simon Says this week.

Spirit Train:

ysterday we headed back from Kiev. 12 hours later we arrived in Donets'k this morning.

I started getting a headache but chose to ignore it for a while.

the headache decided to also bring an upset stomach.

so I climbed up to my top bunk, placed a towel over my face to block out light, and prayed.

I have been challenging myself to resist selfish prayer and check my heart.

after reassuring myself that it wasn't selfish to ask the Lord to keep me from praying about not throwing up on a people filled train car I prayed and prayed.

the Lord provided and lulled me into a restful prayer time coupled with reflection.

I dreamed with excitement about future possibilities.

Spirit: "Ashley, what do you think about most often? What makes your mind tick? What do your daydreams paint a picture of? What does your hear burn for? Thos are your passions and dreams. Place them in my hands like I have placed them in your heart."

my family.speaking.teaching.shepherding.

sweet and sorrow family: some know Jesus, but are yung in His ways. a few laugh. others turn to opposite extremes. a couple hearts resemble stones. I want to pray with my family, not just be the one asked at holidays. I want to dive into the Word with my sisters. I want to worship alongside my brother. More than anything I don't want any of them to leave this world, face Jesus and say "I didn't know." while I walk this earth doing "ministry" in every other place but my family.

speaking: gives me more excitement in dreams than most things yet bring about more doubt and fear. Is that the enemy trying to scare me away from something incredible? Praying through that.

teaching: while I am not a master of much I would love to help teach those who are in a place I once was. I used to be void of the Word, empty of biblical principles, cold to the Lord's passion. I would love to teach on those things with the knowledge I do have, whatever that may be. And all the while the Lord will be teaching me in the moment.

shepherding: acoring to a recent spiritual gifts test this is my top. giving it a title makes me back off. knowing what it is ignites my heart. teaching others, living life with them, watching them mature, laughing and crying, praying, getting excited, oh!

the Spirit was speaking to me on that train.

I pulled out my journal and scribbled some challenges He gave me.

it was a beautiful, awkward place.

tears rolled down my face as a gained a burden for my family more than ever.

tears streamed as I was joyus and sorrowfull all together.

the sweetness in the end:

Jesus is Lord and He is making sure that I stay near.

when I was a new believer I saw people walk away from the church and then God as they aged far more often than I should have.

I feared that I would do that. I thought it was a way of life.

I wondered if I would say I was passionate and be faithful yet walk away in the end.

God is my caring Father who disciplines me in times of need.

Jesus is my teacher and guide.

and the Spirit is strong. He has His way in me through methods I couldn't imagine on my own,

the Trinity together is beautiful.

there is no walking away from life.

they have not become a part of my life.

they invaded my heart and transformed me, baptizing me in the Spirit and giving me a new life.

there is no walking away from life.

the only thing to take me out is death, which only brings us into a closer relationship.

He is the sweetness in the end, always.