Then, Now, Still To Come

Life right now has me in a place of reflecting on the past and dreaming about the future.

relfecting brings joy, triumph, thankfulness, and even tears.

dreaming brings me excitment and encouragement.

being in the middle brings me an unknown feeling.

I have to think to myself "How did I get where I am now and where am I heading?"

How am I different now than I was then and what am I doing to line up with the dreams I have for the future?

I'm thinking, dreaming, having conversations, learning, remembering, hoping, praying, longing, being confused, battling discouragement from myself, all the while trying to live for today...

When I look back a few years I am amazed that I somehow ended up where I am now.

Then: I was an insecure child just trying to get by. I had no real dreams. I had an emptiness inside me that left me questioning at the end of the day. Through the grace, mercy, love, and breath that God has given me I am where I am today.

Now: I am a student at a Bible college intrigued with learning the Word, how to teach it, what ministry means, desiring for all to know this Life I have found in Jesus. I have dreams that are bigger than myself. I have been given the gift of wisdom in order to share it. I have grown up a bit, grown up in Christ. Recieving His desires, His dreams, and His burden for people. I am different to put it simply.

Because of who I am now I look to the future. Looking into the future I have desires and I have dreams. But I am very easily discouraged with complacency. I dream in a radical world but I live in a complacent one. How am I ever going to make these dreams reality if I only keep them as dreams? Like I said, I easily get discouraged.

BUT

when I look at the transformation that God did in my life from my past to my present I have hope.

God opened doors. He taught me. He lead me. He used me. He embraced my hand and said "I will walk with you wherever you go. Even if you fall down I will pick you up. You will do things that make my heart sad, but I will never leave you or give up on you."

And now I have to stop for a moment in silence and listen so I can hear...

"Ashley, my dear child. What I said then I say now. Yes, you will fail and you will get discouraged. But My will is not done in your power, it is done in Mine. Your failures cannot stop my will from being done. Stop looking at your weaknesses and start looking to Me. If it is my dream then it will be done. Stop thinking it can't be done because I will do it no matter what. If you get too distracted then I will have to use someone else. Don't miss out on My glory. I want you to be a part of this."

I may not be able to see the future. I may not even know what my tomorrow has in store. But as long as I am looking to my Jesus and choosing Him in all my little choices, then I will once again be able to look back and see how God moved and transformed my situation.

here i sit

here i sit.

that sums me up lately.

i have been sitting.

and while i sit, i dream.

but these dreams don't set me free.

these dreams frustrate me.

i dream of something bigger than what's in front of my face.

Jesus can open up my mind and give me dreams of beauty.

so how can it be that they bring me frustration?

it's not actually the dreams that do it.

it's me

i stand in between my reality and the dreams.

because i sit and dream.

i don't go and dream.

i sit.

i know why this is too.

i haven't been putting Jesus as priotiy.

i haven't been pursuing Him the way He desires, the way my heart desires.

i've been so thirsty for the Lord, but i haven't taken a drink.

when i came to my computer i turned on my music and this song came on,

the words are simple and few but it caught my attention with just the first line.

there is only 1 verse and a chorus.

i think the first verse speaks directly to me in this moment.

 wake up my soul, don't forget the day

wake up my heart, don't sleep all night

wake up my mind, remember His love

wake up my voice, and sing His song

it was as if Jesus was crying out for His own.

when I gave my life to Jesus...

my soul became His,

my heart became His,

my mind became His,

my voice became His,

but i have been letting them sleep.

the chorus of the song is something that i have experienced before and that i desire now

You sweep me away to bone-crushing waters

Bury me deep in the arms of the Father

You swallow me whole in the deepest of deeps

I'm alone with You, I'm alone with You

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it is so easy to get caught up in the norm of the world around you.

but the norm of the world is empty.

i don't want an empty life.

i want a life that is devoted to Jesus

overflowing with His love

bringing His joy with laughter and life

man do i need to step it up.

I am sorry Jesus.

I have been living life on my own so of course it cannot be good, or right, or fulfilling...

afterall, i am not the author of life. i can't write my own story.

i want to walk the path that You have laid for me and explore the never-ending adventure of a life walking with You.

Orphan's Song

I should be writing a paper. I have so much to do, but my heart got distracted. Not just my mind or my energies, my heart.

I have this CD which I love. It is full of authentic, true worship songs from the heart. As I was in my car driving to go study this song came on.

Orphan's Song:

We are the orphan boys, we are the forgotten girls

We are lost and far from home

We are the fatherless born of dust and nothingness

We are lost and far from home

There is no love like Yours in all the earth

There is no live like Yours in the universe

There is no love that heals my broken heart

There is no love like Yours at all

I've heard about a foreign land, about a son and his great big dad

I'm making my plans to be there

They say it's a beautiful place full of big wide open spaces

I'm making my plans to be there

There is no love like Yours in all the earth

There is no live like Yours in the universe

There is no love that heals my broken heart

There is no love like Yours at all

These roads have familiar names, this town has not changed

I'm finding my way back home

You call me daughter, You call me son, You call me back into Your arms

I'm finding my way back home

There is no love like Yours in all the earth

There is no live like Yours in the universe

There is no love that heals my broken heart

There is no love like Yours at all

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Every time that I listen to this song my heart melts.

I have heard stories of oprhans, seen movies.

I have met orphans, held them.

I have played with orphans, tickled them.

I have laughed with orphans, until it hurt.

When I am away from these times and I hear this song, my heart melts.

I try to imagine being in their shoes.

I can't.

And I have heard people say that there is no point in going for only a short time and playing with orphans.

They are wrong. This song tells why.

If we carry the name of Christ to those orphans then it doesn't matter how long we are there.

If we can clothe them in that moment with only Christ then it's the best garment they will ever wear.

His love is sufficient.

His love gives them a home.

His loves adopts them.

His love feeds them.

His love allows them to laugh.

His love gives them breath.

His love is like no other in this world.

When the enemy tries to bring me down with thoughts...

you can't adopt them all,

you can't feed them all,

you can't save them all,

I have to remember, believe, trust, and live into the truth that

CHRIST CAN!

to live is to love

to live is to love

you cannot live without loving

your actions are motivated by love

no matter who you are

no matter what you believe

your actions are motivated by love

you can use your words to convey a belief

but

your heart will always speak the truth

you can act to please those around you

but

eventually your heart will act to please your beliefs

your actions are motivated by love

but

we do not always love what is good

love of self

love of seeing others in pain

love of bringing others down

love of reputation

we always say love is good

but

only the love of God is good

no matter who you are

no matter what you believe

your actions ARE motivated by love

your heart can only act for so long

look at your heart

what does it love?

we are called to love our Lord,  our God with all that we are

with our heart, all of it

with our soul, every ounce

with our strength, every action

through our love we will obey

love drives our obidience

what we love we will obey

so do not obey God to get in His good graces

do no obey because "it's what good Christians do"

action cannot shape heart

heart must shape action

so love the good things

because what you love

you devote yourself to

you cannot truly devote yourself to God

until you have found yourself deeply

IN LOVE

with Love itself

God is love.

freely breathe

I want to breathe.

I want to be able to breathe unhindered.

with ease.

without my mind going crazy.

I want to take a step back and breathe.

not be busy all the time.

instead of go go go go!

S T O P

sit. relax. breathe.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

DEEPLY

so how do i do that?

some changes need to be made.

I don't recognize this place

I don't recognize what's around me. It's the situation more so than the actual surroundings. I'm not in a foreign new place. I'm not even out of my comfort zone, or am I?

I mean I am at the same school I've been going to since the second half of my freshman year. I have incredible friends around me. My classes are leading me towards Jesus and making Him known. So my surroundings don't put me out of my comfort zone. There isn't anything to push me out of my comfort zone. As much as I thought my classes would be hard, I find myself able to perform at the level asked. However, there is something different. I am beginning the end of my school journey. I'm not graduating in the spring, I won't be done until next fall. But the reality is that it is approaching. It seems short, it seems long. Alot can happen in 1 year. I could go places, meet people, be challenged, have a change of heart or mind. Alot can happen in 1 year.

I was challenged by my new friend Sarah today. I am finding out that I very much enjoy who she is and her heart in life, but I am also finding that she has ways of making me think that blow me away. I love it. It's hard. She doesn't let me just chat and share my mind without really looking into my life and my words. I thank her for that. This challenge she gave me has to do with this next part of my life. I have different opportunities for the next semester and summer placed in front of me. As some doors have been closed other doors have been built and some are starting to open. Which ones do I look into and which one will I actually walk through? Well Sarah gave me something to think about...

Start with the end in mind.

When I meet back up with Sarah in July what will I want to tell her. What do I want to have under my belt? Accomplishments, trials, new knowledge....what is it that I want to walk away from the next 8 months with? So I got to thinking, and this is just the beginning. This is my first step to looking into that question. I need to crack open the surface and see what is inside. So he we get to cracking....

• I want to be challenged. I want to be put in situation that will be hard in order to take away my mindsets that are not truth. A throwing into the fire in a way.
• I have a heart for discipleship I have to come to find so I want to walk away saying that I was able to give my time to 3 or more girls. Digging into what it means to be a woman of Christ. Working through the struggles, frustrations, and joys.
• I want hands on practical experience within different areas of ministry. I don't want to be in charge. I want to learn, learn from those who are doing it, living it, and passionate about it.

why?

my eyes have been opened to some things about myself.

I get scared.

I get bored.

I get overwhelmed.

I get confused.

But I also get passionate.

I have joy.

I have a heart that is always learning.

I love what I am learning in school but all I do is talk. I talk about stuff and how I would handle it. What would I say? How would I act? Blah blah blah. but what about the real world?! Am I going to graduate with all these classes under my belt but be thrown in the ocean without a life jacket? What if I can't swim. What if I am a theory person? What if I can teach it but not live it? What if I get opportunities because of what my professors say or what my degree says but I can't actually do it?

I can't just learn in the classroom. But I am not ready to go out there on my own. I want to learn, but it has to be more than books. So I want to walk away from the next 8 months with practice under my belt. I don't want to grow weary of school and grow bitter towards it, but I don't want to rush through it. This is a precious time of life.

I know this is alot of rambling but it is what my mind is trying to process during a time where the future is blinded from my eyes.



Please give me your wisdom. Your perspective. Your encouragement. Jesus, I wouldn't want it without You so guide me all the way. Take the blinders off to my own heart, that I may see inside and live with You.

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To those of you reading:

Do you have any wisdom? Any comments that will encourage? Maybe your perspective will shine some light. I would love to have some feedback. I need the other parts of the body to push me and help me.

bet-IN-ween

Oh I love it!!! but man do I sure dislike it many times.

S C H O O L 

what an opportunity right? Yes! I will never disagree with that. 

However, I am at a point of being in between. 

I say that I know where I want to go in life. I want to be a part of full-time ministry. I want to travel the world, engaging in cultures, experiencing what it means to have faith in every different situation. I want to teach people, see them grow in Christ, watch them reflect Christ! I want to give my time to people, hear their stories, share in their experiences, give them a shoulder when needed, and let them hold me too. 

For all of this I wanted to be prepared. I knew that I had a heart but since I had the opportunity, I could better equip myself. 

Study

Practice

Challenge

Dream

That's why I went to school. I started out at the University of Oklahoma because, well I knew it would be better in my Dad's eyes to get an education. Within two weeks I knew that I wasn't going to continue my education there. There was no passion. I came to the point of thinking, "If I am going to go to school then it has to be for something that I am passionate about. I am in love with Jesus and I want to share that love, share the truth, teach His Word, and disciple people. I didn't grow up with the Word or teaching on how to do something like that...I'll go to school to learn Jesus!" 

So I went. I am here. At a Bible college taking classes about Jesus, His Word, how to make disciples, different cultures, etc. And I love it. I can't give my time to something just to get an education. I have to be intrigued, I have to be passionate about it, and it has to be practical for me. Jesus has changed my life so learning how to better teach and share about Jesus is practical. I WILL talk about Jesus, I will be motivated by Jesus, and I will not deny Jesus. Studying Jesus has been the best decision of my life. 

But now I am stuck. The more I learn and study, the more I want to go! I want to be out there! I want to give my time to people and not myself. I get frustrated with having to say no to people so I can go study. I get caught up in the tediousness of homework. I get stressed. I grow weary. I know school is preparing me. I know I will not regret it. I know that this has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, but right now it isn't pretty. It isn't always fun. I get stuck in ruts. 

And at the same time, as much as I want to be out of school. It scares me! I talk and I dream everyday about once I am out of school. The reality is that I am getting closer to that day. And what am I going to do? Am I prepared? Can I do it? Am I going to be that person that dreams and inspires while in school and ends up doing nothing when I have the chance? 

I am in between loving school, disliking it, and being scared to leave it. Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I want to hide in it. Why the emotions? Why the fears? Jesus is my shepherd so I shouldn't be in a place of discontentment right? So I am learning. I am learning about Jesus. I am learning about myself. I am learning that it isn't always pretty. I am learning that I am growing up. I am learning that I have fears and dreams all wrapped up in one. I am learning that sometimes I need to take a step back. I need to breathe. I need to rest. 

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Jesus, the reason for my being, thank you. Thank you for everything. Whether it be a season of bright, colorful life or a season that is cold and challenging I want to praise your name. I cannot do it without you. Please give me the guidance, the discernment, the passion, the heart, the motive, the strength, and the love to get through this season. Please open my eyes to what is around me. To you be the glory in times of giving and times of taking. Help me to focus on you and not the distractions around me. Hold me when I cry and laugh with me in my joy. I desire your heart. Help me focus on that, your will, your pains, your desires, your love. Throw me in the fire and burn away the impurities that put dirt on your reflection. Burn away my laziness, my doubt, my stress, and all those things I am blinded to that take your glory away. Jesus you are beautiful. You are the only thing worth living for so please help me to live for you and you alone. This is my prayer to you Lord because you are the only the Healer and Lover of my soul. Praise you always in everything. 

Amen