Chosen Desire

let me start off by being honest: my commitment to reading the Word, using tools such as my devotional and music, and to prayer has been anything bu strong lately.

i said that because i stumbled across a great snippet in my devo from a past date that i just didn't get to on that day along with several others.

it's a truth that i'm pretty certain i have known, but never discussed truly.

or said myself in such simple terms. so here it is.

"It may be hard for us to understand, but this salvation for which we

thank God isn't entirely about ourselves. True, we were bought with a price

and shown the magnitude of God's mercy. We were redeemed because we

needed redemption and saved because we needed saving. We were

cleansed of sin because we were dirty and pardoned

because we were treasonous.

But the rhyme and reason of creation isn't humanity.

It's God.

Humans, like all things were created by Him and for Him

(Romans 11:36; Colossians 1:16)....

Our salvation is not a random, happy accident. It is a divine appointment

with a holy Suitor. We have a calling we have not even begun to grasp."

-Chris Tiegreen, Worship the King Devotional

"I knew nothing; I was nothing. For this reason, God picked me out."

-Catherine Laboure

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God did create this earth from nothing but Him, His nature, His power, His creativity.

i'm pretty sure He can handle the blank canvas of humanity.

i want to drown

on my run this evening one of my favorite songs came on

Meet Me By the River

"Oh, I know.

Oh, I'm undone.

I'm drowning in His love."

i have told people about this truth

i've told myslef about it

His love is so great that we are drowning it

but are we really?

are we allowing ourselves to drown in His love?

know of it? yes.

talk about it? yes.

tell others of it? yes.

but, drown? i doubt it.

take advantage of it? yes.

stop realizing the extent of it? yes.

but, submerge ourselves to the point of drowning? i haven't seen the evidence.

i'm calling myself out more than anyone so don't get offended.

or maybe, do get offended.

get mad!

get angry!

at yourself.

at myself.

for not letting our Father lavish us in His love so deep that we can no longer breathe on our own.

if i were to draw a picture of me right now:

fighting to stay afloat the water.

His love is surrounding me and i won't let it take me.

i feel it.

i know it.

but my humanness has to fight the possibility of drowning.

you see, His kingdom is all backwards.

if we were in water the rule would be to fight,

fight for your life.

don't let the water take you over, resist!

Jesus,

oh sweet Jesus.

in order to gain life in His kingdom we must let go,

stop fighting,

give in,

and drown.

imagine living life in a way

in a way that only gives you the view of love.

every direction you turn is love.

like being 300 feet down in the middle of the ocean.

it doesn't matter what way is up because you don't want to leave this place.

instead of breathing in air you take in the love surrounding you.

let Jesus breathe for you.

we have to stop the struggle of one foot in His kingdom and the other in the world.

we can't fight the drown.

it's not worth it.

sink.

sink down to the bottom



my whiteboard

it's good for to sit and write sometimes.

make myself think.

but tonight i didn't have to think.

i sat on my bed

looked to my right.

there sits my whiteboard that i had hanging in my dorm room...last fall

i'm not one to decorate so it's sitting sideways against my wall

i haven't even erased it.

well what's on it a a prayer i wrote out from a devotional i did for a class.

it just so happens to be incredibly fitting for this season of life.

"Dear heavenly Father, You are the Potter and I am the clay.

Please forgive me for doubting Your wisdom in making me

or for resenting Your sculpting of my life. I thank You that I am

fearfully and wonderfully made and that all things indeed

are working for good in my life. Your ways and thoughts are much

higher than mine, so I choose to rest in You and Your ways. You

indeed are at work in me both to will and work for Your

good pleasure. Do what You will in me, Lord, for Your glory."

thank you Jesus for not letting me erase that.



open to darkness

as i sat down with thoughts in my head and hands ready to type the Lord gave me new thoughts. as many of you know i am an analogy person. i love them. i love using them. i love how God teaches me about His vast beauty through simple illustrations. i mean it makes sense. God must humble His greatness in a way that our human minds can try to grasp it all. simple humans need simple analogies. thank the Lord that He is incredible.

i am a night person. sure i wake up in the mornings, but the times that i always find myself in deep thought or writing in my journal or writing on this thing as if people read it, it is 95% of the time night. as i sat down tonight a new way was given to me to think about it all. bare with me and see if you can follow my thoughts...

night brings about a peaceful time for me.
it is simple.
the night sky takes away all the distractions.
i am able to focus much better.

now this crazy thought came about for me that goes along so well with what the Lord has been teaching me and pushing me into.

for me, in this American, comfortable, lazy life i so easily can and will do anything but what is productive for the Lord. in the daytime i am aware of all that is around me. i see the silly distractions of the t.v., pool, computer, bed, etc. sure it's still there at night, in the darkness, but for some reason it isn't as appealing.

i want my life to be like this. but instead of the darkness being something that brings comfort the way the night sky does what if it were the opposite? what if i were aware of the darkness of the Enemy around me as i am the night sky? what if that brought me comfort. crazy? not when you think of it this way. because i am surrounded by darkness i am forced into the arms of the Father, ever living in my Refuge and Solid Rock. so through the darkness i am brought comfort because rather than letting the worldly distractions hide the actual darkness and allow me to be leisurely walking through life with a "christian" stamp on my forehead, i run to the Jesus and allow Him to mark my next step, every step of the way.

how can i be used as light to the world if i am not walking through the darkness? turn on a flashlight during the middle of the day in a bright room and how much difference does it make? none.

give a christian a comfortable home, no accountability, gadgets galore, a bubble of christian friends, etc. and what difference does it make in the world? i can't say none because God's presence is in them which brings more of Him to earth, but He isn't being shared. so the difference isn't much. it's almost like turning on your flashlight in the middle of the day in a bright room.

so do i dare pray for darkness? i'm not sure about that. but pray for the blinders to be lifted from my eyes? yes, Lord bring the awareness. pray that the Lord take away these "comforts?" yes, Lord take them.

i found myself earlier in my car crying out to the Lord that He would sweep me off the feet i have placed myself upon. i have been living life as if i know what tomorrow may bring. as if i know what's best for me. as if i was my own creator. so, Lord, knock me down, sweep me up, and rebuild me with eyes anew, Spirit refreshed, actions transformed. push me into the darkness so that You may be the Light for the lost. show me how to constantly be in love with you, passionately.

i want my focus on You to be a constant.

break into a new path

i would call it numbness. the feeling of no feeling week after week. pain was never invited to the party and joy was  not on the list. a glimpse of happiness, sure. a hint of frustration, every so often.

i was caught in the lull of the enemy.
"hush my friend. suppress the dreams."

it was as if he made the bed and tucked me in. i was wrapped in the comfort of complacency. but the comfort is so false. the comfort isn't actually comfort at all. it is not born of the Comforter. it is a lie. false security. unreached potential. blinders on eyes created to see through the same eyes as Jesus.

how great it is to have an Overseer. a Father who is not blind. a Lord that cannot be mislead. the Creator who has power over all.

He set the alarm to wake me from the slumber. i was brought to a night of fellowship.

vulnerability through prayer to each other.
prayer over one another.
prayer for the city.
prayer for the nations.
praise after praise.
dances of power.
the process was repeated until 3am.

then confirmation through worship and preaching in the morning as church. thank You, Jesus.

the theme of the experience can be painted through the lyrics of a song.

Cannot Keep You

They tried to keep you in a tent
They could not keep you in a temple
Or any of their idols, to see and understand

We cannot keep you in a church
We cannot keep you in a Bible
Or it's just another idol to box you in

They could not keep you in their walls
We cannot keep you in ours either
For you are so much greater

Who is like the Lord
The maker of the heavens
Who dwells with the poor
He lifts them from the ashes
And He seats them among princess
Who is like the Lord

We've tried to keep you in our tents
We've tried to keep you in our temples
We've worshiped all our idols
We want all that to end

So we will find you in the streets
And we will find you in the prisons
And even in our Bibles and churches

We cannot contain, cannot contain
The glory of your name
We cannot contain, cannot contain
The glory of your name
We cannot contain, cannot contain
The glory of your name

Who is like the Lord
You took me from the ashes
And you healed me from my blindness
Who is like the Lord

"I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong, and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

- Psalm 27:13,14

finding comfort by leaving it

there's a truth i know:

Jesus is more than enough

but what about when there is all the stuff that isn't enough?

when there is a wall built up of junk

a wall that hides that truth

i find myself the most satisfied in life when there is the least around me

when there are more people than things

when you want to sit in silence

listen to a song and turn it into worship

read the Word instead of turn on the tv

and the times when there are too many things to choose from?

they are empty.

d i s c o n n e c t e d

so i am most comfortable when i am not surrounded by the "comforts" of this world

because of this:

i want to live an "uncomfortable" life

be different, not to stand out

but to better strive for a pure life that indulges in Jesus

i can only pour out what i take in

right now it is not just Jesus

i get distracted and lazy

i hate it

so who wants to join me?

go find a simple place to live

get some roommate who are passionate about Jesus

be known for:

taking in the hungry

fellowship/community

joy

passion

all these conveniences we have don't make being a Christ follower convenient.

there's nothing convenient about living for Jesus

that would take out the excitement, mystery, and faith

so back off Satan and get your stupid "things" out of the way

you're just afraid of what will happen in this world if all those who follow Jesus stop buying into your lies.

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when Christians were called such it was meant to make fun of them

they were called "little Christs"

i don't want to be a Christian simply because i go to church

i want to be called so because people identify me as someone who is like Christ

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it's been too uncomfortable within my comfort

i want to be so comfortable in what the world would see as an uncomfortable life

leave it to gain it

leave the world to gain Jesus

simple truths i've known but just haven't seemed to come around to living consistently yet



i'm going against the grind on this one

I've had many, many thoughts about Osama bin Laden's death. So many in fact that I can't piece them together to figure out what I actually think.

Of course I am glad that Osama is no longer able to continue his life's work. Am I glad he is dead? I would have to say no. I am not glad. That would be saying that I am glad another life is separated from our Great God for eternity. And sure the vast majority of the population would say "Well he deserves to be rotting in hell." OK, but so do you and so do I. We all deserve hell, every single one of us. No one is excluded. And while I am pretty certain Osama would have been absolutely resistant to the Gospel I have to wonder if he should have had the chance.

I don't know. I still am not sure what to think. Maybe it was God's judgement. Maybe God had given Osama so long to respond to the overwhelming mercy and grace flowing from Jesus. His time was just up? I'm not going to be one of those Christians that says he got what he deserved and rejoice in his death. I can't. There is nothing about that idea that brings peace with it in my heart.

After watching several news videos and reading articles I realized how big of a moment this event is in history. While it doesn't seem to affect me directly it will be something that my kids ask me about. This is a piece of history I am living through that I won't be able to just tell about through facts. When my children want to know about it, what it was like, how am I going to respond? What will I say?

 The truth,

 well the truth is that every time I see footage of Americans celebrating I want to cry. How prideful are we? We think that nothing can touch us, no one is better than us. "If you mess with America you have it coming!" Who do we think we are? Our act of violence that is celebrated isn't the end. Hate responded to by hate can only bring more hate. It fuels the fire.

where does love fit into the picture? I'm not sure these days. the world has so far gone into the mentality that "might is right" that acts love are laughed at. the idea that we should love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, and be like Jesus in everything we do is great in theory but never taken legitimately on a worldwide scale.

maybe I'm too optimistic. Maybe I think that love can actually change this world. God is love. God is more powerful than acts of terrorism. bigger than hate. bigger than disagreements. God is more powerful that the greatest earthly power. He can melt a heart of stone. He can heal the lame. Jesus can make the blind see.

The power of salvation through Christ is powerful enough to transform the lives of those who do acts of terror, who hate those aren't like them, who try to bring others down, who love to see people suffer.

I'm not saying we bake cookies for the terrorists and leave them on the doorstep. I'm not an idiot. I'm not ignorant to their actions. But when I leave this world and I meet my maker face to face. I would rather it be due to loving someone who no one else would and being killed for it rather than asking for violence. Those in this world who we think need to be dealt with through violent measures love it. That's what they want. It doesn't have an effect on them. But what if we were different? What if they didn't know what to do because we didn't turn to their level of resolution first. What if we actually were the salt and light of this earth and they saw Jesus in us? Maybe they still kill us. Maybe they see the Holy Spirit living in us and they can't handle it so they shoot us. Isn't that a better way to go? I bet that impression would last alot longer than a bunch of gun shots and threats.


like I said. I'm not sure how I feel about it all. For some reason this has actually stirred some thought it me. mainly because I have felt more sadness and heartbreak over the state of this world. Just because the world is the way it is doesn't mean it's the way it ought to be.