I feel as though it was just yesterday that I started my 1,200 mile journey to the HEART Institute. Yet, today marks that there are only 3 weeks until I start my journey back home. What do I share? What do I say? How can I put into words the moments of laughter, vulnerability, challenge, new experiences, pain, sweat, conversations, friendships....
At the start of the year I didn't even know that HEART existed. It wasn't on my map or in my head. But somehow I think it was in my heart. It was planted in a corner that I hadn't yet journeyed to. And finding that place within myself has opened up who I am in great ways. I have learned things about myself that I don't like. The more and more I find myself submerged in community I find more and more things about myself that are not healthy, productive, or furthering the Body of Christ. And I love it. Why?
Say you have a bookshelf. After years of filling this bookshelf you go through it and discover books that are childish, foolish, and not worth reading, in fact if you read it over again it may take you back rather than pushing you as a human being. So you clean out your shelves. You make room. You take a step back and realize that you have more room than ever to add insightful, life-giving, challenging books. Well that is how my life has been. While there may be pain, embarrassment, or possible shame it is absolutely worth it.
Community is a mirror. It reveals the beauty and the hideous secrets, bad attitudes, wrong motives, and all those areas you thought you were living into the fruits of the Spirit until they are challenged daily....
We as a community have canoed down a river and camped, traveled to Honduras, participated in Urban ministry, and lead a chapel service together. But these tasks and adventures did not come for free. We each learned things about ourselves that were ugly. Oh, but when surrendered the ugliness makes room for beauty. Our brokenness together brings a better picture of the whole.
I am thankful for these past months. I can't figure out how to share it all. My changes and transformations are not fully evident to me because they are my new normal in my new place. When I come home and am challenged to be as I used to be, then I will know the impact. But for now you need to know that I dread the day I leave. I love my home, but my home is becoming less and less a place I seem to be drawn to. I don't know where the Lord is or will take me. But I know that He is good and the life He leads me in will be full of adventures, deep breaths, laughter, tears, friendships, truth, joy, and more things than I can imagine.
