Put In Me

I have been listening to one album in my car for the past 3 weeks.

this song is so deep and such a prayer.

i just felt the need to share it:

Oh, Mercy, fall on me
Like a warm blanket
On my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood
That turns me white...on the inside
I'm on my knees again...
'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me...a clean heart

I know all my broken places
Like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me with your love
And hold me tight like a baby
'Till I have no memory
Of ever breaking Your heart

And in the joy when you restore me
I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
I how I broke you, or how I'm broken

-"Put In Me" by Enter the Worship Circle on First Cirlce album

numb to home

so i entered the states monday night, practically tuesday morning

this was a early return, but it was what needed to happen.

i won't get into details because what matters is that God gave me a peace about coming home even though every ounce of self wanted more than anything to stay longer.

since being back i have being experiencing something new to me

i have traveled and returned a few different times and there are some things that seem to regularly occur each time such as:

little desire to return home

lots of tears at some point between time of departure and the first 2 days of being back

weird feeling of being home

and usually summertime to adjust in ease

well this time around has been very different.

the overall experience was unlike any other overseas experience i have had thus far

not only was there a totally different relational ministry mindset

but i also gained an actual family that i lived with

the culture was much more relaxed and not dictated by the clock

so adjusting from that is super weird

i came back in the middle of a semester full of people who are full of schedules

i have no schedule and no place so it feels

welcome back to America

it hasn't even been a week and i feel obligated to be thinking and deciding about my immediate future

but what has been the weirdest thing has been this numbness that i feel

 a fog over my emotions

i can't seem to be fully excited, no tears,

no comprehension,

and no release of the whirlwind i feel caught in

sometimes it feels like i am on the outside watching myself it and talk with others

it takes me longer to respond and sometimes i wonder how much time actually passed before i spoke.

my senses have been overloaded

and i haven't been able to release it

i want it, i feel it, the release is on the edge but when i have to time i can't

when i was in the Ukraine i was obviously separated from the American culture so it wasn't too weird, i noticed it and every now and then i missed being a part of what was going on

but now i am home, i am back,  i am here in it

yet, i feel so far away from it

it's the weird numbness that i have

i don't understand it and i don't get it

i don't really like it

however, there is something that i do know.

while i am in such a place of uncertainty there is something i am certain of:

God is sovereign. when i have no idea what is going on He sits on His throne of authority with pure sovereignty and certainty over everything.

I know that He is good and powerful and incredible.

He deserves all glory all the time

no matter how numb i am to my surroundings right now i am not numb to God's awesomeness.

He truly is my solid rock to stand on when all around me is so unclear and uncertain.



the Lord is my home, the Acts 2 church is in action

Current situation:

because of changes in government, Max and I are having to travel to Budapest, Hungary.

there we will apply for new visas to go back to Ukraine and stay till January 3.

the reality is that this could not work, they could say no, and we have to find some way to get back to America.

Journal from October 30:

I am not ready to leave this place. It doesn't matter how different it is, how many ways of life have changed for me, how few friends from home I have here, Iam not ready to lave. Sure there are things of home I miss a little, but not enough to have to leave this plave to have them. I was talking with Max about it the ther day and I think I've figured it out just a little. Almost every place I have gone I have enjoyed and not wanted to leave. Each place has been unique so it isn't a matter of there being some theme of culture or people. But there is a theme: God moving. Each place I have traveled I have experienced and seen God move in awesome ways. Once I gave my life to Christ He became my home. So no matter what place in this world I call "home" Jesus is my home. He is in my heart so wherever I am I can call it home. When Jesus is moving, teaching, revealing truth, transforming lives it is a great place to be. So I could call each place home. The underlying theme and reason I love it here is because of the work of God. It is beautiful, holy, incredible, peaceful, exciting, it is everything I could want in a home. So I am no ready to leave this place. Yet, by the very truth that I came to to this knowledge, the reason I want to stay, is th very truth that pushes me to the need for understanding that I won't ever leave "this place." I may have to leave this location, physically, but I don't ever have to leave this plave of home in the Lord. The reality is that the Lord moves everywhere. I can't say He doesn't move in Oklahoma. My life in itself is a testament to His work. So why do I not feel the same way about home? Maybe because when I travel I get to see the Lord wor in a different people group in a different way. So perspective is what I need. In realit the Lord is eternal an everlasting. He is constant in His ways. So nothing is new for Him. The ways He moves here He moves everywhere, always. I can't limit Him and I can't box Him in. Even if the Lord movied in the same way in my life for the rest of my life it would have eternal consequences. So praise the Lord for the way He moves in Oklahoma and praise the Lord fot the way He moves in Ukraine. He is worthy of my praise and excitment everyday in every place. If I have to go home soon , so be it. The Lord is my home and we move together. No matter where I go I am home.

In Acts 2:

here in the Ukraine I have experienced the church like it was in Acts 2 several times.

when the believers gathered together they:

broke bread

fellowship

teaching

prayer

eveytime we go on home visits with Alexander we get to experience this.

so often back home I would hear of the Acts 2 church and ow it shoul be our model. but honestly, I didn't experience it too often in a pure form.

but now that I have tasted it I want more!

we gather in a home, the other day there were 11 adults anda child in a small bedroom

then we pray, spend time in fellowship which always involed testimonies and life stories, sing praises and other songs, have tea and cookies and other snacks, continue with more testimonies and conversation with eachother about our lives, have some teaching on the Word, and we end in prayer.

nothing is forced or unnatural.

when I was sitting in the home I was staring the Acts 2 church in the face.

my goal is to bring this back to America in more than just a small group setting.