Oh I love it!!! but man do I sure dislike it many times.
S C H O O L
what an opportunity right? Yes! I will never disagree with that.
However, I am at a point of being in between.
I say that I know where I want to go in life. I want to be a part of full-time ministry. I want to travel the world, engaging in cultures, experiencing what it means to have faith in every different situation. I want to teach people, see them grow in Christ, watch them reflect Christ! I want to give my time to people, hear their stories, share in their experiences, give them a shoulder when needed, and let them hold me too.
For all of this I wanted to be prepared. I knew that I had a heart but since I had the opportunity, I could better equip myself.
That's why I went to school. I started out at the University of Oklahoma because, well I knew it would be better in my Dad's eyes to get an education. Within two weeks I knew that I wasn't going to continue my education there. There was no passion. I came to the point of thinking, "If I am going to go to school then it has to be for something that I am passionate about. I am in love with Jesus and I want to share that love, share the truth, teach His Word, and disciple people. I didn't grow up with the Word or teaching on how to do something like that...I'll go to school to learn Jesus!"
So I went. I am here. At a Bible college taking classes about Jesus, His Word, how to make disciples, different cultures, etc. And I love it. I can't give my time to something just to get an education. I have to be intrigued, I have to be passionate about it, and it has to be practical for me. Jesus has changed my life so learning how to better teach and share about Jesus is practical. I WILL talk about Jesus, I will be motivated by Jesus, and I will not deny Jesus. Studying Jesus has been the best decision of my life.
But now I am stuck. The more I learn and study, the more I want to go! I want to be out there! I want to give my time to people and not myself. I get frustrated with having to say no to people so I can go study. I get caught up in the tediousness of homework. I get stressed. I grow weary. I know school is preparing me. I know I will not regret it. I know that this has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, but right now it isn't pretty. It isn't always fun. I get stuck in ruts.
And at the same time, as much as I want to be out of school. It scares me! I talk and I dream everyday about once I am out of school. The reality is that I am getting closer to that day. And what am I going to do? Am I prepared? Can I do it? Am I going to be that person that dreams and inspires while in school and ends up doing nothing when I have the chance?
I am in between loving school, disliking it, and being scared to leave it. Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I want to hide in it. Why the emotions? Why the fears? Jesus is my shepherd so I shouldn't be in a place of discontentment right? So I am learning. I am learning about Jesus. I am learning about myself. I am learning that it isn't always pretty. I am learning that I am growing up. I am learning that I have fears and dreams all wrapped up in one. I am learning that sometimes I need to take a step back. I need to breathe. I need to rest.
Jesus, the reason for my being, thank you. Thank you for everything. Whether it be a season of bright, colorful life or a season that is cold and challenging I want to praise your name. I cannot do it without you. Please give me the guidance, the discernment, the passion, the heart, the motive, the strength, and the love to get through this season. Please open my eyes to what is around me. To you be the glory in times of giving and times of taking. Help me to focus on you and not the distractions around me. Hold me when I cry and laugh with me in my joy. I desire your heart. Help me focus on that, your will, your pains, your desires, your love. Throw me in the fire and burn away the impurities that put dirt on your reflection. Burn away my laziness, my doubt, my stress, and all those things I am blinded to that take your glory away. Jesus you are beautiful. You are the only thing worth living for so please help me to live for you and you alone. This is my prayer to you Lord because you are the only the Healer and Lover of my soul. Praise you always in everything.