Friday, October 15, 2010


we are told of battles,
battles of the past

we are warned about battles,
battles to come

we are living in battles,
battles of the here and now


my battle
can I even call it my battle?
ultimately it is His battle
the grand picture
the battle for those who claim Christ
it is 
and He has won, the enemy has been defeated.
we know the story, we know the end.
but we aren't to the end yet. 

I still have battles of my own
the battles within the battle
the most recent battle that I have been experiencing has been one that has taken a toll on my heart. I have been experiencing brokenness for others in  a way that I never have before. I am not talking about that kind of brokenness that gives you concern for others. the brokenness that causes you to take on a burden. this burden is heavy. heavy in tears, heavy in prayer. this is where my battle comes in. 

I know that I am to have a heart for others which brings me to a place of thankfulness in my brokenness, but it has brought me to a place of guilt. I have had moments of feeling guilty for the fact that I have Jesus working in my life. In worship I get to praise His name and shout thanks with joy. I get to sit in His presence and have peace. I get to come before the Father with my burdens, issues, concerns, desires, joys, and anything I am experiencing. And while I get to do that....there are people all around me who can't. It's not that they aren't allowed. They simply don't know Jesus. 

Why do I get that privilege? You see my battle? I have been battling with having the joy in worship because of my burden. And I know this shouldn't be. It shouldn't bring me to a place where I cannot have joy in my Savior. So where is the balance? How do I joyfully praise and worship Jesus while being broken for others? I know Jesus is the answer for them. I know He can heal their pain, emptiness, fear, loneliness, shame, hurt, and any other issue. This brings me joy. To know that there is a God who loves and saves.

but it has become hard for me to worship without crying out for the others. I have cried many tears. Fallen to my knees because I knew no where else to go but the feet of Jesus. While I may not know the reason for my burden, for the brokenness. While I may not know how to handle it. While I may be weak in my own strength. While I may have nothing to give, offer, or even say.

Jesus is Lord. I can rejoice in the fact that He has healed me from my state of walking in darkness. I have traded my burdens placed on me by the world for those burdens that ooze out of the Father's heart. It may be heavy and draining but the burden of brokenness is holy. I know there is goodness to come from this season in my life.
I am learning.
I am crying.
I am praying.
I am making sure that I turn to Christ and Christ alone.
The burden is from Him. He is the solution.

the battle, the confusion....
the enemy is trying to creep in. the closer I come to the heart of Jesus the more frightened the enemy becomes. When my heart aches with the pains Jesus experiences in the heavens, the enemy tries to make me question it. And yes, I have questions but none that can take me away from the only truth I know: Jesus. I would rather be experiencing this battle than being on the side of the enemy without knowing it.

So Jesus, thank you. Thank you for letting me get a better glimpse at your heart. Thank you for breaking away the pieces of my selfishness and opening my eyes to the pain of others. Thank you for being my solid foundation that will never fail. Thank you for strength when I have none. Jesus take these burdens and turn them into victories!