Friday, November 18, 2011

numb to home

so i entered the states monday night, practically tuesday morning
this was a early return, but it was what needed to happen.
i won't get into details because what matters is that God gave me a peace about coming home even though every ounce of self wanted more than anything to stay longer.

since being back i have being experiencing something new to me
i have traveled and returned a few different times and there are some things that seem to regularly occur each time such as:
little desire to return home
lots of tears at some point between time of departure and the first 2 days of being back
weird feeling of being home
and usually summertime to adjust in ease

well this time around has been very different.
the overall experience was unlike any other overseas experience i have had thus far
not only was there a totally different relational ministry mindset
but i also gained an actual family that i lived with
the culture was much more relaxed and not dictated by the clock
so adjusting from that is super weird
i came back in the middle of a semester full of people who are full of schedules
i have no schedule and no place so it feels
welcome back to America
it hasn't even been a week and i feel obligated to be thinking and deciding about my immediate future

but what has been the weirdest thing has been this numbness that i feel
 a fog over my emotions
i can't seem to be fully excited, no tears,
no comprehension,
and no release of the whirlwind i feel caught in
sometimes it feels like i am on the outside watching myself it and talk with others
it takes me longer to respond and sometimes i wonder how much time actually passed before i spoke.
my senses have been overloaded
and i haven't been able to release it
i want it, i feel it, the release is on the edge but when i have to time i can't

when i was in the Ukraine i was obviously separated from the American culture so it wasn't too weird, i noticed it and every now and then i missed being a part of what was going on

but now i am home, i am back,  i am here in it
yet, i feel so far away from it
it's the weird numbness that i have

i don't understand it and i don't get it
i don't really like it

however, there is something that i do know.
while i am in such a place of uncertainty there is something i am certain of:
God is sovereign. when i have no idea what is going on He sits on His throne of authority with pure sovereignty and certainty over everything.
I know that He is good and powerful and incredible.
He deserves all glory all the time
no matter how numb i am to my surroundings right now i am not numb to God's awesomeness.
He truly is my solid rock to stand on when all around me is so unclear and uncertain.