Sitting on the water tower looking over the horizon. Waiting for the sun to paint the sky with pastels that please my soul. Worshipping God for the beauty that He shares with me. But as I sit I can't help but realize that He is the only thing I am sure of right now. I've been in this mindset for a while. This time of intense insecurity. At times I think it's good because it's pushing me to emptiness. An emptiness of me. Peeling away the layers I've painted on myself. Peeling away the definitions others have given for who I am. Scrapping off the ugly wallpaper I put up to hide the me I thought others would reject.
I work in a place where passionate people constantly come and go. I am inspired and encouraged. But I also find myself jealous. Jealous of their passion, their confidence, the direction they seem to have. I almost always put everyone else on a pedestal. I pretend as if they don't have doubts or insecurities. It's sad. Some days I am able to rejoice with them and be glad that the Lord has equipped someone with a certain passion and that they will be used and His light will shine in this world through them. And others days I'm just plain jealous. Envious to the point of once again feeling worthless.
Crying seems to be what I know how to do best right now. Crying out to the Lord asking to reveal what my passion is. Desperate to feel like I bring value to this world. Often times this brings me to a place of weeping over the true injustices in the world and feeling overwhelmed by the task ahead to being Life into the darkness. I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I just feel the need to be raw and open. As much as I devalue myself and feel worthless (which makes it hard to be vulnerable) I know that I am not alone. Sometimes the words "me too" can be powerful. So hopefully someone out there will know that you aren't alone because I'm there too.
If you care to pray for me this is my current prayer. It's a song by Will Reagan.
Help Me Find My Own Flame
I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion
I don't want to find that I'm just dry bones
I want to burn with unquenchable fire
Deep down inside see it coming alive
Help me find my own flame
Help me find my own fire
I want the real thing
I want Your burning desire
Do what only You can do
In my heart tonight,
There's no better time
There's no better time
There's no better time
There's no better time
