bet-IN-ween

Oh I love it!!! but man do I sure dislike it many times.

S C H O O L 

what an opportunity right? Yes! I will never disagree with that. 

However, I am at a point of being in between. 

I say that I know where I want to go in life. I want to be a part of full-time ministry. I want to travel the world, engaging in cultures, experiencing what it means to have faith in every different situation. I want to teach people, see them grow in Christ, watch them reflect Christ! I want to give my time to people, hear their stories, share in their experiences, give them a shoulder when needed, and let them hold me too. 

For all of this I wanted to be prepared. I knew that I had a heart but since I had the opportunity, I could better equip myself. 

Study

Practice

Challenge

Dream

That's why I went to school. I started out at the University of Oklahoma because, well I knew it would be better in my Dad's eyes to get an education. Within two weeks I knew that I wasn't going to continue my education there. There was no passion. I came to the point of thinking, "If I am going to go to school then it has to be for something that I am passionate about. I am in love with Jesus and I want to share that love, share the truth, teach His Word, and disciple people. I didn't grow up with the Word or teaching on how to do something like that...I'll go to school to learn Jesus!" 

So I went. I am here. At a Bible college taking classes about Jesus, His Word, how to make disciples, different cultures, etc. And I love it. I can't give my time to something just to get an education. I have to be intrigued, I have to be passionate about it, and it has to be practical for me. Jesus has changed my life so learning how to better teach and share about Jesus is practical. I WILL talk about Jesus, I will be motivated by Jesus, and I will not deny Jesus. Studying Jesus has been the best decision of my life. 

But now I am stuck. The more I learn and study, the more I want to go! I want to be out there! I want to give my time to people and not myself. I get frustrated with having to say no to people so I can go study. I get caught up in the tediousness of homework. I get stressed. I grow weary. I know school is preparing me. I know I will not regret it. I know that this has been one of the biggest blessings of my life, but right now it isn't pretty. It isn't always fun. I get stuck in ruts. 

And at the same time, as much as I want to be out of school. It scares me! I talk and I dream everyday about once I am out of school. The reality is that I am getting closer to that day. And what am I going to do? Am I prepared? Can I do it? Am I going to be that person that dreams and inspires while in school and ends up doing nothing when I have the chance? 

I am in between loving school, disliking it, and being scared to leave it. Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I want to hide in it. Why the emotions? Why the fears? Jesus is my shepherd so I shouldn't be in a place of discontentment right? So I am learning. I am learning about Jesus. I am learning about myself. I am learning that it isn't always pretty. I am learning that I am growing up. I am learning that I have fears and dreams all wrapped up in one. I am learning that sometimes I need to take a step back. I need to breathe. I need to rest. 

___________________________________________________________________

Jesus, the reason for my being, thank you. Thank you for everything. Whether it be a season of bright, colorful life or a season that is cold and challenging I want to praise your name. I cannot do it without you. Please give me the guidance, the discernment, the passion, the heart, the motive, the strength, and the love to get through this season. Please open my eyes to what is around me. To you be the glory in times of giving and times of taking. Help me to focus on you and not the distractions around me. Hold me when I cry and laugh with me in my joy. I desire your heart. Help me focus on that, your will, your pains, your desires, your love. Throw me in the fire and burn away the impurities that put dirt on your reflection. Burn away my laziness, my doubt, my stress, and all those things I am blinded to that take your glory away. Jesus you are beautiful. You are the only thing worth living for so please help me to live for you and you alone. This is my prayer to you Lord because you are the only the Healer and Lover of my soul. Praise you always in everything. 

Amen

Battle

we are told of battles,

battles of the past

we are warned about battles,

battles to come

we are living in battles,

battles of the here and now

HERE and NOW

my battle

can I even call it my battle?

ultimately it is His battle

the grand picture

the battle for those who claim Christ

it is 

HIS

and He has won, the enemy has been defeated.

we know the story, we know the end.

but we aren't to the end yet. 

so...

I still have battles of my own

the battles within the battle

the most recent battle that I have been experiencing has been one that has taken a toll on my heart. I have been experiencing brokenness for others in  a way that I never have before. I am not talking about that kind of brokenness that gives you concern for others. the brokenness that causes you to take on a burden. this burden is heavy. heavy in tears, heavy in prayer. this is where my battle comes in. 

I know that I am to have a heart for others which brings me to a place of thankfulness in my brokenness, but it has brought me to a place of guilt. I have had moments of feeling guilty for the fact that I have Jesus working in my life. In worship I get to praise His name and shout thanks with joy. I get to sit in His presence and have peace. I get to come before the Father with my burdens, issues, concerns, desires, joys, and anything I am experiencing. And while I get to do that....there are people all around me who can't. It's not that they aren't allowed. They simply don't know Jesus. 

Why do I get that privilege? You see my battle? I have been battling with having the joy in worship because of my burden. And I know this shouldn't be. It shouldn't bring me to a place where I cannot have joy in my Savior. So where is the balance? How do I joyfully praise and worship Jesus while being broken for others? I know Jesus is the answer for them. I know He can heal their pain, emptiness, fear, loneliness, shame, hurt, and any other issue. This brings me joy. To know that there is a God who loves and saves.

but it has become hard for me to worship without crying out for the others. I have cried many tears. Fallen to my knees because I knew no where else to go but the feet of Jesus. While I may not know the reason for my burden, for the brokenness. While I may not know how to handle it. While I may be weak in my own strength. While I may have nothing to give, offer, or even say.

Jesus is Lord. I can rejoice in the fact that He has healed me from my state of walking in darkness. I have traded my burdens placed on me by the world for those burdens that ooze out of the Father's heart. It may be heavy and draining but the burden of brokenness is holy. I know there is goodness to come from this season in my life.
I am learning.
I am crying.
I am praying.
I am making sure that I turn to Christ and Christ alone.
The burden is from Him. He is the solution.

the battle, the confusion....
the enemy is trying to creep in. the closer I come to the heart of Jesus the more frightened the enemy becomes. When my heart aches with the pains Jesus experiences in the heavens, the enemy tries to make me question it. And yes, I have questions but none that can take me away from the only truth I know: Jesus. I would rather be experiencing this battle than being on the side of the enemy without knowing it.

So Jesus, thank you. Thank you for letting me get a better glimpse at your heart. Thank you for breaking away the pieces of my selfishness and opening my eyes to the pain of others. Thank you for being my solid foundation that will never fail. Thank you for strength when I have none. Jesus take these burdens and turn them into victories! 

Forever Reign

This morning in church we sang this song. 

it spoke loudly to me.

it became the cry of my heart.

because I can't do it all.

because I don't always have the answers.

because I get tired. 

because I am weak.

I need a Savior

a

R E F U G E

this is what I can sing:

You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

You are light, You are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life,

In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to your arms,

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

In your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God

Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing

no other name

Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to your arms

I'm running to arms

The riches of your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

Broken...

emotions of all kinds happening.

my mind is chaos at the moment.

the only thing that is still.

the one thing that isn't shaken by the things of this world.

the one thing that I can turn to in any situation.

in confusion.

witnessing pain.

experiencing brokenness for another.

Jesus is always there. 

He can't be moved from His throne.

His love is undoubtedly there.

Thank You Jesus for never freaking out when I do.

Thank You Jesus for having open arms when I need a refuge.

Thank You Jesus for understanding when I can't.

Thank You Jesus for giving me Your Hope.

Without Jesus I would be...

hurt

lost

suffering

mad

stressed

Without Jesus I would feel

unworthy

unloved

undesired

unimportant 

empty

lonely

These are things that I see too often in this world. 

Right now I am broken for those who do not accept Christ.

For those who let the world tell them who they are.

For those who hurt themselves so they can just feel something.

For those who are beautiful and yet can't see it themselves.

For those who cannot hope.

For those who see no point.

Jesus, without you I would have nothing. I would be so lost. I would turn to empty things for hope. Jesus thank you for capturing my heart. Thank you for desiring my soul. Thank you for being Lord over all. I pray for those who do not know you. I ask for that you open their eyes to the reality that You hold. Jesus shake them inside! Shake them so that all the chains of the enemy break and fall! Jesus scream so loud that they cannot ignore You. Jesus, show them how worthy they are. Show them what they mean to you. Pick them up and hold them tight. Let them feel your love so strong. Rain down Your Spirit. Rain down and clean them of the dirt that they have been living in. Cleanse them of the lies, the brokenness, the false hope, the emptiness. Flood them in Your love. Let them be overwhelmed by You, Lord. Jesus claim your children! Satan stand back because my Savior is mighty to save!! Jesus be lifted high and be made known! All these emotions, all these desires, all these requests I lay at Your feet,Lord. You have the power and authority and I trust in You. 

Amen