Friday, December 24, 2010

here i sit

here i sit.

that sums me up lately.
i have been sitting.
and while i sit, i dream.

but these dreams don't set me free.
these dreams frustrate me.
i dream of something bigger than what's in front of my face.
Jesus can open up my mind and give me dreams of beauty.
so how can it be that they bring me frustration?

it's not actually the dreams that do it.
it's me
i stand in between my reality and the dreams.
because i sit and dream.
i don't go and dream.
i sit.

i know why this is too.
i haven't been putting Jesus as priotiy.
i haven't been pursuing Him the way He desires, the way my heart desires.
i've been so thirsty for the Lord, but i haven't taken a drink.

when i came to my computer i turned on my music and this song came on,
the words are simple and few but it caught my attention with just the first line.
there is only 1 verse and a chorus.
i think the first verse speaks directly to me in this moment.

 wake up my soul, don't forget the day
wake up my heart, don't sleep all night
wake up my mind, remember His love
wake up my voice, and sing His song

it was as if Jesus was crying out for His own.
when I gave my life to Jesus...
my soul became His,
my heart became His,
my mind became His,
my voice became His,
but i have been letting them sleep.

the chorus of the song is something that i have experienced before and that i desire now

You sweep me away to bone-crushing waters
Bury me deep in the arms of the Father
You swallow me whole in the deepest of deeps
I'm alone with You, I'm alone with You

it is so easy to get caught up in the norm of the world around you.
but the norm of the world is empty.
i don't want an empty life.
i want a life that is devoted to Jesus
overflowing with His love
bringing His joy with laughter and life

man do i need to step it up.
I am sorry Jesus.
I have been living life on my own so of course it cannot be good, or right, or fulfilling...
afterall, i am not the author of life. i can't write my own story.
i want to walk the path that You have laid for me and explore the never-ending adventure of a life walking with You.